Rites of tuk-tuk passage

Tourists laughing, loaded down with shopping bags, joyfully zipping between lanes. No trip to Thailand seems complete without a tuk-tuk ride. But, can a ride around town completely turn your holiday upside down?

The Top Ten Reasons to take a Tuk-tuk?

Ask any Bangkok expat and one would say, “I don’t take tuk-tuks.” What do the locals know that you don’t know? Though it might seem fun like a big metro go-kart ride and the local Thai take them, tuk-tuks are an unnecessary risk. However, tuk-tuks have their uses. With careful observation, you will see that the Thai take them on very short trips. Small mobile business owners use them as mules for carrying their goods.

So that’s what they are good for, so why not take them?

The Top Ten Reasons to take a Tuk-tuk?

1. The flat fare gouge.
2. You love singing in the monsoon rain.
3. The tuk-tuk wipeout. (would you survive?)
4. You would like to visit the Bangkok Hilton.
5. You came to Bangkok for a new suit.
6. You came to Bangkok to get your purse snatched.
7. You need a local hook-up/a good case of the clap.
8. You love the heat.
9. You like sucking on fumes from buses, trucks, and cars.
10. The 10 baht Tuk-Tuk ride, need we say more?

The low down on the bottom rung

Most tuk-tuk drivers are bottom feeders. Down at the bottom of the cesspool lurks a plethora of cunning ways to part you from your money. Most drivers, even if they are legit, will ask you to go to a jewelry/souvenir/tailoring shop.

Beware of these stops. You think you are getting a deal but the gold and the gems are usually low quality. Whoever brings you returns when you are not around to collect a fat commission that was tacked on to the price. That suit though it might be more expensive in your home country is definitely at a jacked up price. Walk in by yourself and negotiate for a fair price. (See shopping tips.)

One particular cunning con is when a tuk-tuk driver offers you a ride for 10 baht in exchange for a stop or two on the way to your intended destination. Rarely do you make it but the driver collects petrol coupons and big commissions at jewelry/tailoring shops. Sometimes it’s an all day ride, making tons of money for the driver.

Beware of tuk-tuk drivers asking where you are going. They will respond that it’s closed today then try to convince you to go on a guided tour that will guide you right to jewelry/gem/tailoring shops.

Tuk-tuk drivers are notorious for their prostitute/drugs hook-ups. Often they’ll ask for a deposit and take off. Leaving you quite stupidly waiting for the big score. That goes for motorcycle drivers too.

They’re in cahoots with motorcycle drivers. While sitting in a tuk-tuk or walking along the street, a fast moving motorcycle driver often with a passenger with free hands will rip that bag off your shoulder, often dragging you and definitely injuring you if you hang on. Don’t expect much help from the driver.

Tuk-tuks can zip in and out of traffic a little, but can’t totally tame rush hour traffic. Unfortunately, they complain about it and charge you more.

Contrary to popular belief, Tuk-tuks are not less expensive than a metered taxi. Don’t expect to get the local price of 20 baht for short trips. Over the past 10 years, actually the taxi drivers have been the good guys. You are more likely to get a fair fare from a metered taxi.

That said, to be fair, there are some drivers that are just trying to make an honest living. They do charge on par with a taxi but they can get you there safe and no worries.

A word about motorcycles. They are the bane of Bangkok travel. They will drive on the sidewalks to avoid one way streets and traffic. They can weave in and out of traffic getting you to your destination faster but fatal accidents involving ‘motocy’ are high. Wear the legally required helmut or get a ticket.